Nobody reads this blog too busy I guess, still a good excuse to rant here then can't really do it on social fecking media everyone loves there misinterpretations- chinese whispers are the reasons why worlds a mess -jeez I need to rant outside my head maybe get some kip after -for 29 years my fist has been clenched , now it is open and I can let go still the pain won't go .. but perhaps it'll ease off .
Found out the other day the man who killed my Father -(who was as guilty as sin but still got off scott free due to having a jury that were thick as shite or nobbled or prejudice or just been plain old wrong -seems to be alot of that about these days) died last December -
Back in Summer of 1990 I wanted to kill him when I was 17 - I drank whiskey so rage was in my heart I went out with the dog and bought a shank with me I wanted to do him over - you would too if you actually loved your father-So many people don't so at least in that respect I was lucky - so off I trot with the dog to Legoland which what we called the area where this get lived - but in the end I caught myself on- meaning it wasn't worth the effort wasn't worth my time wasn't what I am - and wasn't most importantly what my Dad would want me to do - besides the dog well she wouldn't like it either - but man I was a timebomb -nobody defused me nobody could but myself - I carried this sense of powerlessness around with me but at same time it is a form of power -sense overiding senselessness but thats it - I could overcome it in the long run -for all the good it did later - but feel more of a man for not doing something stupid - sure I'm still daft as a brush but not that stupid
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A few years later meet some asshole gluesniffers (kind you meet in jobclubs mid 90's as there was no work) say they'd of done it -that they'd "do bird " for there old man - but would they? I doubt it some people are all talk some people are just nuts - glad I had a word with myself - still life is swings and roundabouts way it is - progress though just stays the same -stuck in the mud can't get no further you take joy in the small things or at least try - bollocks to ambition that's gone for me -seems fake in this world -doubt it'll come back - but least I realize forgiveness is a saviour stops you from been less than a animal -I have to forgive - not been ultra catholic here just been rational -I have no idea what kind of man killed my Dad but he too was a familly man with kids and a wife -who am I to judge -its a wrong moment in time I gotta live with that but at least I can move on now although feels like 30 years have been wasted - I may have 30 or 40 years left -I'll try keep life simple and upbeat- make the best of that time left & feck this Brexit nonsense all a big scam constructed by toffs to score a big huge amount of lolly wish people would wake up to that too busy arguing amongst each other to see the big picture -people as a collective always do that it seems - but they'll either wake up check there heads or do something that may do harm to there lifes and those around them or they can change it like I did 29 years ago .
Bit personal but no one to talk to -been like that for a while... just a extended thought bubble -
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